Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

"When talking to the wind...will it ever whisper back?"
~Danielle Standiford

Monday, September 30, 2013

So many Changes

...way before...

When I was little I prayed I would go to college. Prayed that I would make a life for myself. Prayed to experience it all.

...before then...

Four or Five years ago I was a Gothic hippy that didn't read many books. I didn't really care about school even. I had barely a care in the world. I got in trouble at school for some pretty serious stuff yet not the stuff that would affect my future (thank god). I was a different person than you see today that's for sure. I still have way to many black cloths. I was ignored in school because I liked it that way. I was probably really intimidating to everyone other than my friends because only they knew what I was really like. After school I would walk home and go upstairs to spend the rest of the night only to come down when I ate. I didn't like my parents. I talked to my brother, this was of course before he moved.


4 or 5 months ago I was a 17 year old high school-er working to get into college and only really thinking about graduation that was coming up soon. I didn't have that much homework, finals were easy. I got out of school early every day and had a bunch of fun hanging out with my friend Katlyn. I didn't have a job, though I was kinda sorta looking for one. I had friends that I saw everyday and knew them like I know myself. I was timid at school because I really didn't like anybody other than my friends.

I'm an 18 year old adult now. I go to college everyday except for the weekends. On the weekends I go to work until 3 or 4 sometimes even later. I don't where black as much as I did and when I do it's usually with some kind of color added to it. I only go to my room after school when I'm really trying to concentrate on what I'm doing. I don't get out of school early that's for sure. On Mondays and Wednesdays I don't get out of school until 8:15 at night. I talk to only a couple people that I kinda like....though friends from college are different than friends from high school. I'm not even sure I can consider them friends, they are just people I talk to about school. We are two very different people that are at very different stages in our lives. Heck all of my friends are almost thirty and married. I'M 18 FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!! I barely ever have time to just have fun. I have a job now, obviously because I work every weekend, but I hate it. I'm still timid only because now it seems like people wont even like me when they get to know me. Maybe that's me. Maybe I just imagine that, however, that's how it feels right now. I'm so stressed about homework and school that I can feel myself going into a depression....If I'm not in one already that is. Maybe I am...I don't know. See 'cause when I wished to go to college it was always, "making new friends" "making my life start" "meeting new people in general" "CoLlEgE GuYs!" "fun parties every now and then" "harmless flirting" but what I didn't realize was that college was, just school. I mean I knew that but I didn't think that that would be it. That's all it is right fun. I'm an adult but the only thing that makes me feel like and adult is being able to buy lottery tickets (that I don't buy anyways) and having teachers swear all the time. What fun is that?

Maybe it'll be different next month. I am going to freak fest after all...there's a party I'm looking forward to.... Maybe I'll go to the loft with Katlyn. Maybe I'll get another job. Maybe I'll force myself to take off work more. Maybe....I don't know, maybe I'll stop freaking out about every homework assignment that I know I wont be able to do. Maybe I'll be able to de-stress instead of just holding it in and forgetting about it. Maybe I'll get asked out by a guy. Maybe I'll be invited to a college party. Maybe I'll just realize that college isn't what I thought it was...or maybe college will become what I thought it was. I don't know. It's all theoretical at this point. I cant read the future.

All I know is that there are so many changes going on in my life and I don't know what other changes are going to come my way. Everything is just going so fast.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Climbing a dangerous ladder sideways!

I've been feeling really....BLA, lately. Ever since graduation really. It's just so weird how someones life changes so fast. Three months ago I was a 17 year old high school-er with friends that I've known basically my whole life and: BAM! Three months later I'm an 18 year old going to college having to figure out how to make new friends and balance school with work, and still try to have a life and have fun.
They say that college life is some of the most fun years someone will experience. That when you are in college you meet so many knew people and accomplish so many knew things. It's very exciting to think about. So exciting that even though you're close to being there you want to get there faster.
But you also have that needling feeling like you're going to mess up. That you'll be alone. Afraid because the last time you made friends it was when you were childish enough to like someone because they let you sit by them on the bus, or gave you a piece of candy. Feeling like you might be too busy to have a life, and if you are too busy, should you care? Or should you just accept that and get through it. Feeling that you'll change again and this time it wont be for the better. Or you wont change at all and you'll stay the way you are now, and maybe that's not a good thing.
Afraid that what the stranger said was right and you're dreams really don't mater, that they're stupid, that you should do something else because it'll make you more money and you have a better chance. That you should pursue something you hate just because you're good at it.
Play it safe.
Accept that because it'll be difficult you should just quit and try to make do with what is easy. Or should I throw caution to the wind and still try. Even though in the long run it could be all for naught? Should I keep climbing the ladder sideways even though I could fall, even thought climbing sideways is more exciting, more adventurous? Even though I know it will be hard should I ignore the fact that I could fall and do it anyways because it's what I want to do?
I want to be able to say "I did" instead of saying "I tried", or worse, "I didn't try because it was too hard". I don't want to say "I settled" or "I'm not happy, but what I do is easy". I want to say "I've worked for this" and "I'm finally here".
So screw what that stranger said to me!
She doesn't know me. She doesn't know my dreams and my passions. She doesn't know what I can do and what I cant do: my limitations. She doesn't know that I've already thought long and hard about what I want to do with my life. She doesn't know that I know there are a lot of people already doing what I want to do. She doesn't know how unhappy I would be doing something just because it's easy.
She doesn't know.
She's only seen numbers on a page. She hasn't seen the way I write. Writing with passion isn't something that can be taught, or learned. Inspiring someone with words on a page is a gift not a learned talent. Talking to people and knowing the world around you, seeing the world the way I see it, cant be put on a test to be graded. It's something you have or don't have. She hasn't seen my writing and hasn't experienced the world the I do every day.
So maybe pursuing my dreams is like climbing a dangerous ladder sideways, at least I'll have fun doing it. At least if I make it to the top I'll get a standing ovation from the people who knew I could make it there, and say "I did it". And if I don't make it at least I'll be able to say "I tried" instead of wondering "what if I had?".
Maybe college life will be fun, but I think it's fun because you discover who you really are. You discover what you want with life. Even if you discover that what you really want in life is to climb a dangerous ladder sideways. And then you start living it.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

The Diary

September 9th, 2002

Dear Diary,

Last year we learned how to write. I'm doing pretty good the teacher says but I still get confused. I like to write in you diary but people are starting to make fun of me for bringing you around with me everywhere. Mom told me to just keep you home but I don't want my brother to steal you. He has done it before. People don't understand that when I write in you I forget why I was afraid, or why I was nervous. Life is like one big story and I get scared sometimes that someone will write the wrong thing. No body understands that i use you diary to keep me company. I don't have very many friends right now. I like to make up stories too. Instead of fighting with a bully, in you I can fight a dragon. That seems more adventurous, more fun. Instead of my brother being mean to me, in you I can take down a troll. It's not much different but it is in my eyes diary. You're not mean to me diary, you don't even talk. But with a simple story of mine I could make you talk. You could be my real life friend to talk to. That would be cool.

June 9th, 2013

Danielle read the last lines of the journal entry she wrote when she was just a little girl. Things were so much different now, and so much the same. She still didn't have very many friends, but she didn't care anymore. The friends she had were enough. It didn't really seem to matter anymore if people liked her or not. She was leaving, they were leaving. She doesn't need her diary to keep her company anymore. Her thoughts can do that.

"Danielle time to go or we'll be late," Danielle's mother called up the stairs.

It was time to go. Didn't want to be late for her own graduation. All those years of school leading up to this one moment of history. Another chapter. Another story.

There was one thing the Danielle from the Diary entry had in common with the present Danielle. She still loved to write stories. That's were her life was taking her even. She still fought dragons and trolls. She felt like she always would, too.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

A letter to myself

Before I write this letter I want everyone to think about this: this letter isn't about you, it's about me. Don't read it if you relate things to yourself. I didn't write it to make you angry at me, or to attack you in anyway. This isn't a veiled criticism of anyone. I don't want questions on this letter either. This is one of those things that you feel and have to express, but don't really want to talk about. After you read this.....forget you read it. And more than anything, know that this letter isn't written to you, it's a letter from me.

Dear You,

I don't like you all the time. Sometimes the things that you stand for are just not me at all. We become separate. There are sometimes you do stuff and don't even think about the way I feel. All you think about is you're own sorrow, and your own helplessness. You don't think that there are people out there that feel the way you are feeling. You're sad, I get that, I'm sad too. But that's exactly my point! I'M SAD TOO! I cried too. I cried because of the same thing. You expect to be consoled without wanting to console. We're the same, but not, because I handle the pain differently. I cry by myself, and then forget about the fact that I cry. You stop yourself from crying and then dwell on the pain. You try to forget the reason for sorrow, I remember why I cried and try to say "It'll be OK eventually". You fix the problem no matter what. I fix the problem, as long as it is a healthy fix. You try to be blind, when I try to be deaf.

Sincerely Me

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Wishing for a Rainbow

You know when you get sick and everything is horrible? Your back hurts, your eyes hurt, your head hurts, you say to yourself "If I have to get up today I'm going to literally fall over dead!"? Those days when you can't even do what you like to do, or eat and drink what you like to eat and drink? Where you all you can do is watch stupid show reruns that you've already seen a million times. Those days where you even wish you could be out of the four walls that surround you and go to your job or to school? What about those moments when you realize you'll never see that person that you loved. Or those moments when something so terrible happens that you start to question all humanity. Those dark times where there is no light and the darkness is so impenetrable that you almost suffocate in it? But then, after the sickness, after the darkness, after all that sorrow.....There's a little ray of sunshine; a little glimmer of color. Those are the moments everyone always wait for. The moments when, after being sick, you can actually appreciate how beautiful you really are. The moments that some random person does this amazing act of kindness, or someone new is born into the family and you can tell that that baby will be someone amazing someday. Those moments you realize that the person you lost was suffering and, wherever you believe they go after they pass, they are in a better place. The moments where you just feel amazing, like nothing can hurt you; nothing can stand in your way. Those moments are the reasons people don't give in to the sadness, into the sickness or sorrow, during those moments of darkness. The good after the bad. The light after the darkness. Life always has its ups and downs but nobody tells you how much you need both the good AND the bad. Nobody tells you that if you didn't have the good there's no way you could survive the pain. Nobody tells you that, without the bad, you wouldn't be able to really appreciate the good things in life. Without the bad you would never be able to sit and watch a sunset, or look at a rainbow and see the colors. People, like me and like you, are always waiting for that little rainbow after the storm.

-Danielle Standiford