Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Climbing a dangerous ladder sideways!

I've been feeling really....BLA, lately. Ever since graduation really. It's just so weird how someones life changes so fast. Three months ago I was a 17 year old high school-er with friends that I've known basically my whole life and: BAM! Three months later I'm an 18 year old going to college having to figure out how to make new friends and balance school with work, and still try to have a life and have fun.
They say that college life is some of the most fun years someone will experience. That when you are in college you meet so many knew people and accomplish so many knew things. It's very exciting to think about. So exciting that even though you're close to being there you want to get there faster.
But you also have that needling feeling like you're going to mess up. That you'll be alone. Afraid because the last time you made friends it was when you were childish enough to like someone because they let you sit by them on the bus, or gave you a piece of candy. Feeling like you might be too busy to have a life, and if you are too busy, should you care? Or should you just accept that and get through it. Feeling that you'll change again and this time it wont be for the better. Or you wont change at all and you'll stay the way you are now, and maybe that's not a good thing.
Afraid that what the stranger said was right and you're dreams really don't mater, that they're stupid, that you should do something else because it'll make you more money and you have a better chance. That you should pursue something you hate just because you're good at it.
Play it safe.
Accept that because it'll be difficult you should just quit and try to make do with what is easy. Or should I throw caution to the wind and still try. Even though in the long run it could be all for naught? Should I keep climbing the ladder sideways even though I could fall, even thought climbing sideways is more exciting, more adventurous? Even though I know it will be hard should I ignore the fact that I could fall and do it anyways because it's what I want to do?
I want to be able to say "I did" instead of saying "I tried", or worse, "I didn't try because it was too hard". I don't want to say "I settled" or "I'm not happy, but what I do is easy". I want to say "I've worked for this" and "I'm finally here".
So screw what that stranger said to me!
She doesn't know me. She doesn't know my dreams and my passions. She doesn't know what I can do and what I cant do: my limitations. She doesn't know that I've already thought long and hard about what I want to do with my life. She doesn't know that I know there are a lot of people already doing what I want to do. She doesn't know how unhappy I would be doing something just because it's easy.
She doesn't know.
She's only seen numbers on a page. She hasn't seen the way I write. Writing with passion isn't something that can be taught, or learned. Inspiring someone with words on a page is a gift not a learned talent. Talking to people and knowing the world around you, seeing the world the way I see it, cant be put on a test to be graded. It's something you have or don't have. She hasn't seen my writing and hasn't experienced the world the I do every day.
So maybe pursuing my dreams is like climbing a dangerous ladder sideways, at least I'll have fun doing it. At least if I make it to the top I'll get a standing ovation from the people who knew I could make it there, and say "I did it". And if I don't make it at least I'll be able to say "I tried" instead of wondering "what if I had?".
Maybe college life will be fun, but I think it's fun because you discover who you really are. You discover what you want with life. Even if you discover that what you really want in life is to climb a dangerous ladder sideways. And then you start living it.