Monday, September 30, 2013

So many Changes

...way before...

When I was little I prayed I would go to college. Prayed that I would make a life for myself. Prayed to experience it all.

...before then...

Four or Five years ago I was a Gothic hippy that didn't read many books. I didn't really care about school even. I had barely a care in the world. I got in trouble at school for some pretty serious stuff yet not the stuff that would affect my future (thank god). I was a different person than you see today that's for sure. I still have way to many black cloths. I was ignored in school because I liked it that way. I was probably really intimidating to everyone other than my friends because only they knew what I was really like. After school I would walk home and go upstairs to spend the rest of the night only to come down when I ate. I didn't like my parents. I talked to my brother, this was of course before he moved.


4 or 5 months ago I was a 17 year old high school-er working to get into college and only really thinking about graduation that was coming up soon. I didn't have that much homework, finals were easy. I got out of school early every day and had a bunch of fun hanging out with my friend Katlyn. I didn't have a job, though I was kinda sorta looking for one. I had friends that I saw everyday and knew them like I know myself. I was timid at school because I really didn't like anybody other than my friends.

I'm an 18 year old adult now. I go to college everyday except for the weekends. On the weekends I go to work until 3 or 4 sometimes even later. I don't where black as much as I did and when I do it's usually with some kind of color added to it. I only go to my room after school when I'm really trying to concentrate on what I'm doing. I don't get out of school early that's for sure. On Mondays and Wednesdays I don't get out of school until 8:15 at night. I talk to only a couple people that I kinda like....though friends from college are different than friends from high school. I'm not even sure I can consider them friends, they are just people I talk to about school. We are two very different people that are at very different stages in our lives. Heck all of my friends are almost thirty and married. I'M 18 FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!! I barely ever have time to just have fun. I have a job now, obviously because I work every weekend, but I hate it. I'm still timid only because now it seems like people wont even like me when they get to know me. Maybe that's me. Maybe I just imagine that, however, that's how it feels right now. I'm so stressed about homework and school that I can feel myself going into a depression....If I'm not in one already that is. Maybe I am...I don't know. See 'cause when I wished to go to college it was always, "making new friends" "making my life start" "meeting new people in general" "CoLlEgE GuYs!" "fun parties every now and then" "harmless flirting" but what I didn't realize was that college was, just school. I mean I knew that but I didn't think that that would be it. That's all it is right fun. I'm an adult but the only thing that makes me feel like and adult is being able to buy lottery tickets (that I don't buy anyways) and having teachers swear all the time. What fun is that?

Maybe it'll be different next month. I am going to freak fest after all...there's a party I'm looking forward to.... Maybe I'll go to the loft with Katlyn. Maybe I'll get another job. Maybe I'll force myself to take off work more. Maybe....I don't know, maybe I'll stop freaking out about every homework assignment that I know I wont be able to do. Maybe I'll be able to de-stress instead of just holding it in and forgetting about it. Maybe I'll get asked out by a guy. Maybe I'll be invited to a college party. Maybe I'll just realize that college isn't what I thought it was...or maybe college will become what I thought it was. I don't know. It's all theoretical at this point. I cant read the future.

All I know is that there are so many changes going on in my life and I don't know what other changes are going to come my way. Everything is just going so fast.