So, I've been terribly busy lately. I don't know why though. I have a job where I work, well I work more now then I did at housekeeping, but I work during the week so I have weekends (mostly) off. You would think that that would mean I have a lot of more time to do things but NO. For some reason, though I say "some reason" I actually know the reason, my stack of homework is getting larger and larger. So, I know that I only have about 5 weeks left of class including this week and not including finals week, but what REALLY is bringing up my stress level isn't the homework really; its the grades. I know what you're thinking "isn't that the same thing?" NO! It isn't. Not when you have a teacher that gives you a zero on a bibliography because of only two simple mistakes. All I did was forget to put the publication date and then alphabetize the bibliography, but I get a zero out of forty? Well that means that my grade is now an F and I only have about 5 weeks to get it up. How will I do that you ask? Why don't you tell me. I just want a passing grade that doesn't bring down my GPA...like a B. Is that so much to ask? Is it? It's gonna take a lot of work to get to that point. A lot of work and less time. Why cant it be summer? Why cant I be writing this at the computer at home knowing that all I have to do is work and then have fun? Why cant I have endless bonfires and the sound of crickets at night?
Last night the sky was beautiful with the dull hue of a storm approaching. The calm gentle greyness is what I love most about storms. It's the suspense leading to the sky opening and letting loose this awesome power. The rain pelting down and the sky letting loose a deafening CRACK of lightning that bashes away everyone's hopes of sunlight. The one moment of calmness before the world is torn asunder: that's what I love about storms. Yet yesterdays storm kinda scared me.
My life is the storm right now, wheres spring break must have been the calm before the storm. It didn't feel like that though. I felt just as stressed then as I am now. My last couple months have been hell. I was sick, started to feel better, got sick again all while I was working two jobs. Then I was working one job and it was spring break but I still wasn't feeling well (still a little sick) and my brother was up from Mississippi so everything was endless visiting with my brother or babysitting my nephew. Then after spring break (the supposed calm) I went to staying at my aunt roni's house while she was away, school, and work. And NOW.....now I'm at school, work, and endless hours of homework trying to get a passing grade.....Seriously....I'm about to break....Lets just hope I can make it until May. Then maybe the sky will lighten and sun will peak through and everything will be right with the world until the next storm comes.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
waiting for anti-valentines day
So, my friend Katlyn and I made plans to go to this anti valentines day party at the majestic theater on friday. I was originally going to stay home and wallow in self pity, but my parents weren't going to go out if I did, so I asked Katlyn if she wanted to go dancing.
I am ever so glad I made these plans now that it's tuesday and my parents had a little spat and aren't talking to each other. I don't even have the advantage of reading to ignore it because I'm reading a bibliography (another one) for my history class. That sucks because now I have to hear my dad tell me my mom is a bitch and I actually have to comment "hey shut up I'm not taking a side in this". And I have to force my mom to eat because she's not hungry when she's mad.
So in doing all this I can just think "It's just until Friday", which if I was staying home I probably would have to deal with it because I'm not sure they're feeling very "happy valentines day" this year.
So that's that. Again, thank you Katlyn for being there for me. For my other friends, thanks; even though you all have boyfriends so you aren't really invited to go with us lol. Thanks, also to the random people that read my blog.
Maybe I'll actually enjoy this valentines day....we'll see.
I am ever so glad I made these plans now that it's tuesday and my parents had a little spat and aren't talking to each other. I don't even have the advantage of reading to ignore it because I'm reading a bibliography (another one) for my history class. That sucks because now I have to hear my dad tell me my mom is a bitch and I actually have to comment "hey shut up I'm not taking a side in this". And I have to force my mom to eat because she's not hungry when she's mad.
So in doing all this I can just think "It's just until Friday", which if I was staying home I probably would have to deal with it because I'm not sure they're feeling very "happy valentines day" this year.
So that's that. Again, thank you Katlyn for being there for me. For my other friends, thanks; even though you all have boyfriends so you aren't really invited to go with us lol. Thanks, also to the random people that read my blog.
Maybe I'll actually enjoy this valentines day....we'll see.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
grr
So I'm just going to take a second vent about something that someone said that's been bothering me.
So someone commented the other day (not saying whom this someone is) they were afraid that I would marry the first guy I ever dated.
Now this bothered me because, though I know they say it because that's what my brother did, but it makes me feel like they don't think I can really think for myself. Everyone knows how independent I am, heck I've had to be that way. It's not like I haven't wanted to have a boyfriend. I'm not going to marry the guy just because I let him get into my pants, it's not the 18th century. It's not like I've thought of becoming desperate and locking myself away. I've cried so many times just wondering what was so wrong with me that I cant get a boyfriend. I've watched my friends dance with guys at proms with me sitting on the sidelines hoping they don't see me cry. I've cried myself to sleep totally convinced I was ugly. It's not like I want it to be that way. I cant prove you wrong because for whatever reason I cant seem to get a boyfriend to start with.
And if I do end up marrying my first boyfriend then that's really my business. Trust my judgment because it would be my decision, and my life. It's not like I would be forcing you to marry the guy.
So that's that. That's my long venting session over with. I'm going to go spend some time with my nephew now.
So someone commented the other day (not saying whom this someone is) they were afraid that I would marry the first guy I ever dated.
Now this bothered me because, though I know they say it because that's what my brother did, but it makes me feel like they don't think I can really think for myself. Everyone knows how independent I am, heck I've had to be that way. It's not like I haven't wanted to have a boyfriend. I'm not going to marry the guy just because I let him get into my pants, it's not the 18th century. It's not like I've thought of becoming desperate and locking myself away. I've cried so many times just wondering what was so wrong with me that I cant get a boyfriend. I've watched my friends dance with guys at proms with me sitting on the sidelines hoping they don't see me cry. I've cried myself to sleep totally convinced I was ugly. It's not like I want it to be that way. I cant prove you wrong because for whatever reason I cant seem to get a boyfriend to start with.
And if I do end up marrying my first boyfriend then that's really my business. Trust my judgment because it would be my decision, and my life. It's not like I would be forcing you to marry the guy.
So that's that. That's my long venting session over with. I'm going to go spend some time with my nephew now.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
The Draaks (unfinished short story)
The familiar movements of a mares bareback as it ran calmed Jullinar only a little as she raced toward the edge of her kingdom of Draak. How could she be completely calm though? The Council of Maghi had made a decision that she was of marrying age and they had already called the suitors to her kingdom. No one could fight the Maghi though, because the Maghi were wizards. In fact, that's why there was a Council of Maghi in the first place, to keep the kingdom safe. That's not how it always turned out thought because the Maghi weren't always good people. Princes had even fled from their kingdoms to escape the Maghi never to be seen again-probably living their life solitary in the woods-just to get away. They fled because the only person or thing that could fight and defeat the Maghi were the riders of the draaks or the draaks themselves.
Dragon riders are rare, because everyone knew that to ride a dragon the dragon had to like you, which has only happened once in 400 years because the draaks were wild creatures. It's not something that you can take lightly. Especially because in the 400 years thousands of people had tried to befriend the dragons that live on the outside limits of the kingdom Draak. Well... a thousand and one now, because even though Jullinar knew that to try to befriend a draak was insane, she still thought she could do it. Not because she knew everything about them, even though she thought she did, and not because she was a super strong warrior woman capable of throwing herself out of the way of any stream of fire that was hurled her way, because though she was trained in combat she still couldn't do that, but the reason she thought she could do it was because she was the only one in 400 years that needed to become a rider of the draak to defy the Council of Maghi. Jullinar suspected that that was one of the major reasons the draaks befriended a rider in the first place. Everyone knew that the Maghi had once treated the Maghi like slaves thrashing them with whips to pull boulders for the castles of draak over 400 years ago, which was stopped by the rider. Riders get powers from their draaks, although how was a question that was never answered to her. The powers that they get are stronger than the powers of the Maghi.
It wasn't that she didn't want to get married, because she kinda did. She just wanted to marry a prince that she liked and not one the Maghi picked out for her, which was bound to happen because that's what her mother Lady Pamela had gone through. Her mother hadn't lived a terrible life, as long as the king wasn't mad at her or just mad in general. Kings in anger bring terror as her mother had always told her. It was Lady Pamela's dieing wish that she fall in love before marrying. Not only for herself but for the kingdom as well. Another rein from a king of terror would force the kingdom into ruin, Jullinar knew that. So to have her husband and King picked for her would be against everything she stood for, which for a princes is the kingdom itself.
Jullinar slowed her mare as she got closer to the edge of the kingdom. She was crazy for even thinking this could work.
"I wouldn't go any further if I was you," said a man as he edged out of the forest ahead of her. Jullinar drew her sword.
"You will let me pass," she said pointing the sword at the man staying on her horse. The man wasn't really a threatening picture though better safe than sorry. The Maghi didn't look all that threatening either. His pants and shirt looked like they had been worn for years with patches everywhere. His brown hair was disheveled with sticks, twigs, and mud covering it. It was obvious that the man was a peasant, he had been making the ground as a bed, as was obvious by his attire, and his hands were up in surrender: no sword on him. Though he still had muscle that could be used against her Jullinar didn't think this man really wanted to hurt her, he was surrendering after all. Jullinar put her sword away.
"I will let you pass," he said. "I'm just saying I wouldn't go any further if I was you."
"And why is that,"Jullinar asked. "You just came out of there did you not?"
"I'm not you am I?"
"This is silly," Jullinar said. She had no time to play word games with this man. She had to get into the woods before it got light out or the Maghi would capture her and take her back to the castle. If she was caught there would never be another opportunity. She would be watched like a dog. "I have no time for this," she said kick starting her mare into a trot again, trying to maneuver her way around the man.
"So you're going anyways? You have to know whats beyond this point!" He said running alongside her and her mare.
"Of course I do. Do I look like a fool? The Draaks are the reason I'm going in here in the first place."
"No you do not look like a fool," he said still trying to keep pace. "You look like a desperate princess!" He said the last shouting as he fell behind. Jullinar stopped; he knew who she was?
"Yes, I know you are the Princes Jullinar of Draak," he said answering her unsaid question while he came up beside her again. "And I know the predicament that you are in. I, however, know that if you would like to appeal to a dragon, the best time is at night. It is almost light out princess. It would be wise to camp out here in the woods until night falls."
"Who are you," Jullinar asked.
"My name is Jazda from the kingdom of Gudarien," he said bowing low at the waist.
"The kingdom of Gudarien is far away. How long have you made a home of my kingdom?"
"I have lived on the outskirts of the town for almost a year my lady. A tough year it has been. Would you wish to camp alongside my makeshift home for the day?" he asked still bowed at the waist.
"You may rise Jazda, and I would love to camp next to you." Jullinar got off her horse and took the mare by the reins. "I have provisions Jazda, you must be hungry."
"Thank you my lady; I am."
"Then show me to your camp. I know you are right; to go to the dragons when their fire is the strongest would be a stupid and perilous task."
When they made it to the camp, which wasn't far into the woods yet hidden very well considering the Maghi wouldn't go into the forest themselves for fear of the Draaks, Jazda built a fire while Jullinar made her tent and got out some food.
Dragon riders are rare, because everyone knew that to ride a dragon the dragon had to like you, which has only happened once in 400 years because the draaks were wild creatures. It's not something that you can take lightly. Especially because in the 400 years thousands of people had tried to befriend the dragons that live on the outside limits of the kingdom Draak. Well... a thousand and one now, because even though Jullinar knew that to try to befriend a draak was insane, she still thought she could do it. Not because she knew everything about them, even though she thought she did, and not because she was a super strong warrior woman capable of throwing herself out of the way of any stream of fire that was hurled her way, because though she was trained in combat she still couldn't do that, but the reason she thought she could do it was because she was the only one in 400 years that needed to become a rider of the draak to defy the Council of Maghi. Jullinar suspected that that was one of the major reasons the draaks befriended a rider in the first place. Everyone knew that the Maghi had once treated the Maghi like slaves thrashing them with whips to pull boulders for the castles of draak over 400 years ago, which was stopped by the rider. Riders get powers from their draaks, although how was a question that was never answered to her. The powers that they get are stronger than the powers of the Maghi.
It wasn't that she didn't want to get married, because she kinda did. She just wanted to marry a prince that she liked and not one the Maghi picked out for her, which was bound to happen because that's what her mother Lady Pamela had gone through. Her mother hadn't lived a terrible life, as long as the king wasn't mad at her or just mad in general. Kings in anger bring terror as her mother had always told her. It was Lady Pamela's dieing wish that she fall in love before marrying. Not only for herself but for the kingdom as well. Another rein from a king of terror would force the kingdom into ruin, Jullinar knew that. So to have her husband and King picked for her would be against everything she stood for, which for a princes is the kingdom itself.
Jullinar slowed her mare as she got closer to the edge of the kingdom. She was crazy for even thinking this could work.
"I wouldn't go any further if I was you," said a man as he edged out of the forest ahead of her. Jullinar drew her sword.
"You will let me pass," she said pointing the sword at the man staying on her horse. The man wasn't really a threatening picture though better safe than sorry. The Maghi didn't look all that threatening either. His pants and shirt looked like they had been worn for years with patches everywhere. His brown hair was disheveled with sticks, twigs, and mud covering it. It was obvious that the man was a peasant, he had been making the ground as a bed, as was obvious by his attire, and his hands were up in surrender: no sword on him. Though he still had muscle that could be used against her Jullinar didn't think this man really wanted to hurt her, he was surrendering after all. Jullinar put her sword away.
"I will let you pass," he said. "I'm just saying I wouldn't go any further if I was you."
"And why is that,"Jullinar asked. "You just came out of there did you not?"
"I'm not you am I?"
"This is silly," Jullinar said. She had no time to play word games with this man. She had to get into the woods before it got light out or the Maghi would capture her and take her back to the castle. If she was caught there would never be another opportunity. She would be watched like a dog. "I have no time for this," she said kick starting her mare into a trot again, trying to maneuver her way around the man.
"So you're going anyways? You have to know whats beyond this point!" He said running alongside her and her mare.
"Of course I do. Do I look like a fool? The Draaks are the reason I'm going in here in the first place."
"No you do not look like a fool," he said still trying to keep pace. "You look like a desperate princess!" He said the last shouting as he fell behind. Jullinar stopped; he knew who she was?
"Yes, I know you are the Princes Jullinar of Draak," he said answering her unsaid question while he came up beside her again. "And I know the predicament that you are in. I, however, know that if you would like to appeal to a dragon, the best time is at night. It is almost light out princess. It would be wise to camp out here in the woods until night falls."
"Who are you," Jullinar asked.
"My name is Jazda from the kingdom of Gudarien," he said bowing low at the waist.
"The kingdom of Gudarien is far away. How long have you made a home of my kingdom?"
"I have lived on the outskirts of the town for almost a year my lady. A tough year it has been. Would you wish to camp alongside my makeshift home for the day?" he asked still bowed at the waist.
"You may rise Jazda, and I would love to camp next to you." Jullinar got off her horse and took the mare by the reins. "I have provisions Jazda, you must be hungry."
"Thank you my lady; I am."
"Then show me to your camp. I know you are right; to go to the dragons when their fire is the strongest would be a stupid and perilous task."
When they made it to the camp, which wasn't far into the woods yet hidden very well considering the Maghi wouldn't go into the forest themselves for fear of the Draaks, Jazda built a fire while Jullinar made her tent and got out some food.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Alone in a world of my own making
So, my life is going like I thought it would be going. College, then homework, then work, and if I have time some fun on the side with going to the mall and small stuff like that. Thought there is something missing, I just cant seem to change that. That something that literally everyone around me had experienced or is experiencing...heck even experiencing again....but like I said I cant change it. I've taken to accepting it. I cant change it without becoming someone I don't even know so why should I be sad about it. Maybe I was trying to hard before. Maybe I'm to intimidating. Whatever it is....I don't think I really care anymore.....well.....I don't know....whatever. Lets wait until this summer to really get into it, then I'll probably be depressed again.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Monday, September 30, 2013
So many Changes
...way before...
When I was little I prayed I would go to college. Prayed that I would make a life for myself. Prayed to experience it all.
...before then...
Four or Five years ago I was a Gothic hippy that didn't read many books. I didn't really care about school even. I had barely a care in the world. I got in trouble at school for some pretty serious stuff yet not the stuff that would affect my future (thank god). I was a different person than you see today that's for sure. I still have way to many black cloths. I was ignored in school because I liked it that way. I was probably really intimidating to everyone other than my friends because only they knew what I was really like. After school I would walk home and go upstairs to spend the rest of the night only to come down when I ate. I didn't like my parents. I talked to my brother, this was of course before he moved.
...then...
4 or 5 months ago I was a 17 year old high school-er working to get into college and only really thinking about graduation that was coming up soon. I didn't have that much homework, finals were easy. I got out of school early every day and had a bunch of fun hanging out with my friend Katlyn. I didn't have a job, though I was kinda sorta looking for one. I had friends that I saw everyday and knew them like I know myself. I was timid at school because I really didn't like anybody other than my friends.
...now...
I'm an 18 year old adult now. I go to college everyday except for the weekends. On the weekends I go to work until 3 or 4 sometimes even later. I don't where black as much as I did and when I do it's usually with some kind of color added to it. I only go to my room after school when I'm really trying to concentrate on what I'm doing. I don't get out of school early that's for sure. On Mondays and Wednesdays I don't get out of school until 8:15 at night. I talk to only a couple people that I kinda like....though friends from college are different than friends from high school. I'm not even sure I can consider them friends, they are just people I talk to about school. We are two very different people that are at very different stages in our lives. Heck all of my friends are almost thirty and married. I'M 18 FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!! I barely ever have time to just have fun. I have a job now, obviously because I work every weekend, but I hate it. I'm still timid only because now it seems like people wont even like me when they get to know me. Maybe that's me. Maybe I just imagine that, however, that's how it feels right now. I'm so stressed about homework and school that I can feel myself going into a depression....If I'm not in one already that is. Maybe I am...I don't know. See 'cause when I wished to go to college it was always, "making new friends" "making my life start" "meeting new people in general" "CoLlEgE GuYs!" "fun parties every now and then" "harmless flirting" but what I didn't realize was that college was just....school, just school. I mean I knew that but I didn't think that that would be it. That's all it is right now....no fun. I'm an adult but the only thing that makes me feel like and adult is being able to buy lottery tickets (that I don't buy anyways) and having teachers swear all the time. What fun is that?
...next...
Maybe it'll be different next month. I am going to freak fest after all...there's a party I'm looking forward to.... Maybe I'll go to the loft with Katlyn. Maybe I'll get another job. Maybe I'll force myself to take off work more. Maybe....I don't know, maybe I'll stop freaking out about every homework assignment that I know I wont be able to do. Maybe I'll be able to de-stress instead of just holding it in and forgetting about it. Maybe I'll get asked out by a guy. Maybe I'll be invited to a college party. Maybe I'll just realize that college isn't what I thought it was...or maybe college will become what I thought it was. I don't know. It's all theoretical at this point. I cant read the future.
All I know is that there are so many changes going on in my life and I don't know what other changes are going to come my way. Everything is just going so fast.
When I was little I prayed I would go to college. Prayed that I would make a life for myself. Prayed to experience it all.
...before then...
Four or Five years ago I was a Gothic hippy that didn't read many books. I didn't really care about school even. I had barely a care in the world. I got in trouble at school for some pretty serious stuff yet not the stuff that would affect my future (thank god). I was a different person than you see today that's for sure. I still have way to many black cloths. I was ignored in school because I liked it that way. I was probably really intimidating to everyone other than my friends because only they knew what I was really like. After school I would walk home and go upstairs to spend the rest of the night only to come down when I ate. I didn't like my parents. I talked to my brother, this was of course before he moved.
...then...
4 or 5 months ago I was a 17 year old high school-er working to get into college and only really thinking about graduation that was coming up soon. I didn't have that much homework, finals were easy. I got out of school early every day and had a bunch of fun hanging out with my friend Katlyn. I didn't have a job, though I was kinda sorta looking for one. I had friends that I saw everyday and knew them like I know myself. I was timid at school because I really didn't like anybody other than my friends.
...now...
I'm an 18 year old adult now. I go to college everyday except for the weekends. On the weekends I go to work until 3 or 4 sometimes even later. I don't where black as much as I did and when I do it's usually with some kind of color added to it. I only go to my room after school when I'm really trying to concentrate on what I'm doing. I don't get out of school early that's for sure. On Mondays and Wednesdays I don't get out of school until 8:15 at night. I talk to only a couple people that I kinda like....though friends from college are different than friends from high school. I'm not even sure I can consider them friends, they are just people I talk to about school. We are two very different people that are at very different stages in our lives. Heck all of my friends are almost thirty and married. I'M 18 FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!! I barely ever have time to just have fun. I have a job now, obviously because I work every weekend, but I hate it. I'm still timid only because now it seems like people wont even like me when they get to know me. Maybe that's me. Maybe I just imagine that, however, that's how it feels right now. I'm so stressed about homework and school that I can feel myself going into a depression....If I'm not in one already that is. Maybe I am...I don't know. See 'cause when I wished to go to college it was always, "making new friends" "making my life start" "meeting new people in general" "CoLlEgE GuYs!" "fun parties every now and then" "harmless flirting" but what I didn't realize was that college was just....school, just school. I mean I knew that but I didn't think that that would be it. That's all it is right now....no fun. I'm an adult but the only thing that makes me feel like and adult is being able to buy lottery tickets (that I don't buy anyways) and having teachers swear all the time. What fun is that?
...next...
Maybe it'll be different next month. I am going to freak fest after all...there's a party I'm looking forward to.... Maybe I'll go to the loft with Katlyn. Maybe I'll get another job. Maybe I'll force myself to take off work more. Maybe....I don't know, maybe I'll stop freaking out about every homework assignment that I know I wont be able to do. Maybe I'll be able to de-stress instead of just holding it in and forgetting about it. Maybe I'll get asked out by a guy. Maybe I'll be invited to a college party. Maybe I'll just realize that college isn't what I thought it was...or maybe college will become what I thought it was. I don't know. It's all theoretical at this point. I cant read the future.
All I know is that there are so many changes going on in my life and I don't know what other changes are going to come my way. Everything is just going so fast.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Climbing a dangerous ladder sideways!
I've been feeling really....BLA, lately. Ever since graduation really. It's just so weird how someones life changes so fast. Three months ago I was a 17 year old high school-er with friends that I've known basically my whole life and: BAM! Three months later I'm an 18 year old going to college having to figure out how to make new friends and balance school with work, and still try to have a life and have fun.
They say that college life is some of the most fun years someone will experience. That when you are in college you meet so many knew people and accomplish so many knew things. It's very exciting to think about. So exciting that even though you're close to being there you want to get there faster.
But you also have that needling feeling like you're going to mess up. That you'll be alone. Afraid because the last time you made friends it was when you were childish enough to like someone because they let you sit by them on the bus, or gave you a piece of candy. Feeling like you might be too busy to have a life, and if you are too busy, should you care? Or should you just accept that and get through it. Feeling that you'll change again and this time it wont be for the better. Or you wont change at all and you'll stay the way you are now, and maybe that's not a good thing.
Afraid that what the stranger said was right and you're dreams really don't mater, that they're stupid, that you should do something else because it'll make you more money and you have a better chance. That you should pursue something you hate just because you're good at it.
Play it safe.
Accept that because it'll be difficult you should just quit and try to make do with what is easy. Or should I throw caution to the wind and still try. Even though in the long run it could be all for naught? Should I keep climbing the ladder sideways even though I could fall, even thought climbing sideways is more exciting, more adventurous? Even though I know it will be hard should I ignore the fact that I could fall and do it anyways because it's what I want to do?
I want to be able to say "I did" instead of saying "I tried", or worse, "I didn't try because it was too hard". I don't want to say "I settled" or "I'm not happy, but what I do is easy". I want to say "I've worked for this" and "I'm finally here".
So screw what that stranger said to me!
She doesn't know me. She doesn't know my dreams and my passions. She doesn't know what I can do and what I cant do: my limitations. She doesn't know that I've already thought long and hard about what I want to do with my life. She doesn't know that I know there are a lot of people already doing what I want to do. She doesn't know how unhappy I would be doing something just because it's easy.
She doesn't know.
She's only seen numbers on a page. She hasn't seen the way I write. Writing with passion isn't something that can be taught, or learned. Inspiring someone with words on a page is a gift not a learned talent. Talking to people and knowing the world around you, seeing the world the way I see it, cant be put on a test to be graded. It's something you have or don't have. She hasn't seen my writing and hasn't experienced the world the I do every day.
So maybe pursuing my dreams is like climbing a dangerous ladder sideways, at least I'll have fun doing it. At least if I make it to the top I'll get a standing ovation from the people who knew I could make it there, and say "I did it". And if I don't make it at least I'll be able to say "I tried" instead of wondering "what if I had?".
Maybe college life will be fun, but I think it's fun because you discover who you really are. You discover what you want with life. Even if you discover that what you really want in life is to climb a dangerous ladder sideways. And then you start living it.
They say that college life is some of the most fun years someone will experience. That when you are in college you meet so many knew people and accomplish so many knew things. It's very exciting to think about. So exciting that even though you're close to being there you want to get there faster.
But you also have that needling feeling like you're going to mess up. That you'll be alone. Afraid because the last time you made friends it was when you were childish enough to like someone because they let you sit by them on the bus, or gave you a piece of candy. Feeling like you might be too busy to have a life, and if you are too busy, should you care? Or should you just accept that and get through it. Feeling that you'll change again and this time it wont be for the better. Or you wont change at all and you'll stay the way you are now, and maybe that's not a good thing.
Afraid that what the stranger said was right and you're dreams really don't mater, that they're stupid, that you should do something else because it'll make you more money and you have a better chance. That you should pursue something you hate just because you're good at it.
Play it safe.
Accept that because it'll be difficult you should just quit and try to make do with what is easy. Or should I throw caution to the wind and still try. Even though in the long run it could be all for naught? Should I keep climbing the ladder sideways even though I could fall, even thought climbing sideways is more exciting, more adventurous? Even though I know it will be hard should I ignore the fact that I could fall and do it anyways because it's what I want to do?
I want to be able to say "I did" instead of saying "I tried", or worse, "I didn't try because it was too hard". I don't want to say "I settled" or "I'm not happy, but what I do is easy". I want to say "I've worked for this" and "I'm finally here".
So screw what that stranger said to me!
She doesn't know me. She doesn't know my dreams and my passions. She doesn't know what I can do and what I cant do: my limitations. She doesn't know that I've already thought long and hard about what I want to do with my life. She doesn't know that I know there are a lot of people already doing what I want to do. She doesn't know how unhappy I would be doing something just because it's easy.
She doesn't know.
She's only seen numbers on a page. She hasn't seen the way I write. Writing with passion isn't something that can be taught, or learned. Inspiring someone with words on a page is a gift not a learned talent. Talking to people and knowing the world around you, seeing the world the way I see it, cant be put on a test to be graded. It's something you have or don't have. She hasn't seen my writing and hasn't experienced the world the I do every day.
So maybe pursuing my dreams is like climbing a dangerous ladder sideways, at least I'll have fun doing it. At least if I make it to the top I'll get a standing ovation from the people who knew I could make it there, and say "I did it". And if I don't make it at least I'll be able to say "I tried" instead of wondering "what if I had?".
Maybe college life will be fun, but I think it's fun because you discover who you really are. You discover what you want with life. Even if you discover that what you really want in life is to climb a dangerous ladder sideways. And then you start living it.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The Diary
September 9th, 2002
Dear Diary,
Last year we learned how to write. I'm doing pretty good the teacher says but I still get confused. I like to write in you diary but people are starting to make fun of me for bringing you around with me everywhere. Mom told me to just keep you home but I don't want my brother to steal you. He has done it before. People don't understand that when I write in you I forget why I was afraid, or why I was nervous. Life is like one big story and I get scared sometimes that someone will write the wrong thing. No body understands that i use you diary to keep me company. I don't have very many friends right now. I like to make up stories too. Instead of fighting with a bully, in you I can fight a dragon. That seems more adventurous, more fun. Instead of my brother being mean to me, in you I can take down a troll. It's not much different but it is in my eyes diary. You're not mean to me diary, you don't even talk. But with a simple story of mine I could make you talk. You could be my real life friend to talk to. That would be cool.
June 9th, 2013
Danielle read the last lines of the journal entry she wrote when she was just a little girl. Things were so much different now, and so much the same. She still didn't have very many friends, but she didn't care anymore. The friends she had were enough. It didn't really seem to matter anymore if people liked her or not. She was leaving, they were leaving. She doesn't need her diary to keep her company anymore. Her thoughts can do that.
"Danielle time to go or we'll be late," Danielle's mother called up the stairs.
It was time to go. Didn't want to be late for her own graduation. All those years of school leading up to this one moment of history. Another chapter. Another story.
There was one thing the Danielle from the Diary entry had in common with the present Danielle. She still loved to write stories. That's were her life was taking her even. She still fought dragons and trolls. She felt like she always would, too.
Dear Diary,
Last year we learned how to write. I'm doing pretty good the teacher says but I still get confused. I like to write in you diary but people are starting to make fun of me for bringing you around with me everywhere. Mom told me to just keep you home but I don't want my brother to steal you. He has done it before. People don't understand that when I write in you I forget why I was afraid, or why I was nervous. Life is like one big story and I get scared sometimes that someone will write the wrong thing. No body understands that i use you diary to keep me company. I don't have very many friends right now. I like to make up stories too. Instead of fighting with a bully, in you I can fight a dragon. That seems more adventurous, more fun. Instead of my brother being mean to me, in you I can take down a troll. It's not much different but it is in my eyes diary. You're not mean to me diary, you don't even talk. But with a simple story of mine I could make you talk. You could be my real life friend to talk to. That would be cool.
June 9th, 2013
Danielle read the last lines of the journal entry she wrote when she was just a little girl. Things were so much different now, and so much the same. She still didn't have very many friends, but she didn't care anymore. The friends she had were enough. It didn't really seem to matter anymore if people liked her or not. She was leaving, they were leaving. She doesn't need her diary to keep her company anymore. Her thoughts can do that.
"Danielle time to go or we'll be late," Danielle's mother called up the stairs.
It was time to go. Didn't want to be late for her own graduation. All those years of school leading up to this one moment of history. Another chapter. Another story.
There was one thing the Danielle from the Diary entry had in common with the present Danielle. She still loved to write stories. That's were her life was taking her even. She still fought dragons and trolls. She felt like she always would, too.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
A letter to myself
Before I write this letter I want everyone to think about this: this letter isn't about you, it's about me. Don't read it if you relate things to yourself. I didn't write it to make you angry at me, or to attack you in anyway. This isn't a veiled criticism of anyone. I don't want questions on this letter either. This is one of those things that you feel and have to express, but don't really want to talk about. After you read this.....forget you read it. And more than anything, know that this letter isn't written to you, it's a letter from myself...to me.
Dear You,
I don't like you all the time. Sometimes the things that you stand for are just not me at all. We become separate. There are sometimes you do stuff and don't even think about the way I feel. All you think about is you're own sorrow, and your own helplessness. You don't think that there are people out there that feel the way you are feeling. You're sad, I get that, I'm sad too. But that's exactly my point! I'M SAD TOO! I cried too. I cried because of the same thing. You expect to be consoled without wanting to console. We're the same, but not, because I handle the pain differently. I cry by myself, and then forget about the fact that I cry. You stop yourself from crying and then dwell on the pain. You try to forget the reason for sorrow, I remember why I cried and try to say "It'll be OK eventually". You fix the problem no matter what. I fix the problem, as long as it is a healthy fix. You try to be blind, when I try to be deaf.
Sincerely Me
Dear You,
I don't like you all the time. Sometimes the things that you stand for are just not me at all. We become separate. There are sometimes you do stuff and don't even think about the way I feel. All you think about is you're own sorrow, and your own helplessness. You don't think that there are people out there that feel the way you are feeling. You're sad, I get that, I'm sad too. But that's exactly my point! I'M SAD TOO! I cried too. I cried because of the same thing. You expect to be consoled without wanting to console. We're the same, but not, because I handle the pain differently. I cry by myself, and then forget about the fact that I cry. You stop yourself from crying and then dwell on the pain. You try to forget the reason for sorrow, I remember why I cried and try to say "It'll be OK eventually". You fix the problem no matter what. I fix the problem, as long as it is a healthy fix. You try to be blind, when I try to be deaf.
Sincerely Me
Sunday, March 3, 2013
A Series!!!!
I officially have a series!!!! Here they are:
The sight:
http://www.teenink.com/fiction/thriller_mystery/article/471530/The-Sight/
The sight #2: the daughters:
http://www.teenink.com/fiction/sci_fi_fantasy/article/530052/The-Sight-2-The-Daughters/
They're both great....well of course I'd say that I wrote them lol
The sight:
http://www.teenink.com/fiction/thriller_mystery/article/471530/The-Sight/
The sight #2: the daughters:
http://www.teenink.com/fiction/sci_fi_fantasy/article/530052/The-Sight-2-The-Daughters/
They're both great....well of course I'd say that I wrote them lol
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Wishing for a Rainbow
You know when you get sick and everything is horrible? Your back hurts, your eyes hurt, your head hurts, you say to yourself "If I have to get up today I'm going to literally fall over dead!"? Those days when you can't even do what you like to do, or eat and drink what you like to eat and drink? Where you all you can do is watch stupid show reruns that you've already seen a million times. Those days where you even wish you could be out of the four walls that surround you and go to your job or to school? What about those moments when you realize you'll never see that person that you loved. Or those moments when something so terrible happens that you start to question all humanity. Those dark times where there is no light and the darkness is so impenetrable that you almost suffocate in it? But then, after the sickness, after the darkness, after all that sorrow.....There's a little ray of sunshine; a little glimmer of color. Those are the moments everyone always wait for. The moments when, after being sick, you can actually appreciate how beautiful you really are. The moments that some random person does this amazing act of kindness, or someone new is born into the family and you can tell that that baby will be someone amazing someday. Those moments you realize that the person you lost was suffering and, wherever you believe they go after they pass, they are in a better place. The moments where you just feel amazing, like nothing can hurt you; nothing can stand in your way. Those moments are the reasons people don't give in to the sadness, into the sickness or sorrow, during those moments of darkness. The good after the bad. The light after the darkness. Life always has its ups and downs but nobody tells you how much you need both the good AND the bad. Nobody tells you that if you didn't have the good there's no way you could survive the pain. Nobody tells you that, without the bad, you wouldn't be able to really appreciate the good things in life. Without the bad you would never be able to sit and watch a sunset, or look at a rainbow and see the colors. People, like me and like you, are always waiting for that little rainbow after the storm.
-Danielle Standiford
-Danielle Standiford
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The Sight (#2)
So recently I've been writing "The Daughter" which I've made into the second in the series "the Sight" (yes meaning I've made it into a series...at least a mini one). I'm not done with it yet but when I am I'll post it on here. You've probably seen my "The Daughters" that was a started a while ago but I've changed it around and made it better so....yeah. When I finish it I'll get it on this blog.
The Future
"I dont want to be famous. All I want is when someone looks up my name on Google they'll see my face, not some Cattle Call Queen from California!""
~Danielle Standiford
~Danielle Standiford
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Twisted time
Now think about the time like it was a pool. Think about if you hated yourself enough and time travel was a possability. Now this is very weird of me to think of but..... If your future self went back in time to kill you're past self during the present (your present not your future selfs present) then would you see yourself die twice or would you not exsist to see yourself die? Then if you didn't exsist to see yourself die then how could you kill yourself? In my opinion you would see your past self die and then your present and future self would stop exsisting altogether AFTER you commited the act. This, of course, is my opinion... Why don't you tell me yours?
Thursday, August 9, 2012
The difference between fat and overweight!
"I noticed today something that will help me through the rest of the year in highschool and all my years in college. I noticed that there is a difference between fat and overweight. When someone is being mean they will call you fat, but when you go to the doctors they tell you you're overweight. Why do they use such different words? For a while I believed that whenever I went to the doctor and they said that I was overweight, I thought they were using a nice word just to call me fat. The difference I realized today, is that they're not calling me fat.
Last year in Money and Banking my teacher told me you can't be broke unless you make yourself broke. He said that being broke was a state of mind. You can be poor, but unless you believe yourself to be broke you wont be. Isn't "Fat" and "overweight" the same thing?
Being overweight is a fact! I admit I'm overweight. But I'm not fat! "Fat" is a state of mind! You can't be fat unless you believe you're fat.
There's also one more thing that helps me get through stuff. It's something my mom always told me and it's good for others to know also:
'You have the power to change what you look like. If you think your overweight, then go running. Only you can change that about yourself. Only you have the power to change that about yourself. None of those other people can do it for you. Not the doctors, not the jerks in school, and not even your family. Only you! Your body is yours to deal with, and yours alone.' "
~Danielle Standiford
Last year in Money and Banking my teacher told me you can't be broke unless you make yourself broke. He said that being broke was a state of mind. You can be poor, but unless you believe yourself to be broke you wont be. Isn't "Fat" and "overweight" the same thing?
Being overweight is a fact! I admit I'm overweight. But I'm not fat! "Fat" is a state of mind! You can't be fat unless you believe you're fat.
There's also one more thing that helps me get through stuff. It's something my mom always told me and it's good for others to know also:
'You have the power to change what you look like. If you think your overweight, then go running. Only you can change that about yourself. Only you have the power to change that about yourself. None of those other people can do it for you. Not the doctors, not the jerks in school, and not even your family. Only you! Your body is yours to deal with, and yours alone.' "
~Danielle Standiford
Friday, July 27, 2012
My Sister and I, The Daughters! (random short stories)
It's not that I hate the people in my school. In fact, my sister and I, are friends with quite a lot of people. We're not popular only because we dont want to be. Popularity always comes with a price. There's the fact that if you're popular everyone expects you to do drugs with them or have alcoholic parties, which isn't cool at all. Then there's the guys who think just because you're popular you'll put out. Sorry, but it's not gonna happen that way. Yes, popularity always comes with a price, which is why my sister and I shun most of the poeple in my school. Not because we hate them, but because we don't want to deal with it.
My sister, the carbon copy of me, has brown hair and eyes that if you look closely you can see green, blue, and brown. Our birth parents? We don't really know who they are, but we love the people who raised us. They're more than anything we could've hoped for. My sister and I both love to read, write, and well....learn. But what we love to do more than anything is our martial arts training.
We started out doing Karate when we were five and we excelled in it so much we had black belts in the next couple months. We then proceded to foil, a European type of sword fighting. The year after that we turned to real sword fighting; and the year after that we were throwing Shurikens that were so sharp that if you touched the blade you would risk cutting off your finger. We continued to circulate around the martial arts until, by the age of 13, we were master fighters.
We're sixteen years old now and can still beat the crap out of every douche bag that trys to mess with us, but the question that comes to both of our minds whenever we pick up a foil or Shuriken...why? Why were we so good at fighting? Why did we love winning them so much? In fact, we were so brutal when we were fighting we sometimes had to have people come in and pull us off our oponents. We didn't mean to really hurt people when we started fighting but we went into a haze when we picked up a weapon. Like sharks when they smell blood. So why did that happen?
The night we found out the answer was the night we found out we were the key to the beggining of the apacolypse
My sister, the carbon copy of me, has brown hair and eyes that if you look closely you can see green, blue, and brown. Our birth parents? We don't really know who they are, but we love the people who raised us. They're more than anything we could've hoped for. My sister and I both love to read, write, and well....learn. But what we love to do more than anything is our martial arts training.
We started out doing Karate when we were five and we excelled in it so much we had black belts in the next couple months. We then proceded to foil, a European type of sword fighting. The year after that we turned to real sword fighting; and the year after that we were throwing Shurikens that were so sharp that if you touched the blade you would risk cutting off your finger. We continued to circulate around the martial arts until, by the age of 13, we were master fighters.
We're sixteen years old now and can still beat the crap out of every douche bag that trys to mess with us, but the question that comes to both of our minds whenever we pick up a foil or Shuriken...why? Why were we so good at fighting? Why did we love winning them so much? In fact, we were so brutal when we were fighting we sometimes had to have people come in and pull us off our oponents. We didn't mean to really hurt people when we started fighting but we went into a haze when we picked up a weapon. Like sharks when they smell blood. So why did that happen?
The night we found out the answer was the night we found out we were the key to the beggining of the apacolypse
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